THE 5 LANGUAGES OF LOVE.

I was reading The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman and thought it would be a great topic to unpack. Good book, by the way—I totally recommend it if you’re interested in understanding how we give, receive, and experience love. Although the book dives into relationships, I thought it could also apply to our relationship with ourselves.

Maybe you’re someone who likes one love language more than the others, or maybe you like them all.

Words of Affirmation

Words of affirmation are a big one for me. I’m not sure why, but I light up when I get compliments and positive feedback.

It could be that you never received positive affirmations growing up and feel they are substantial to your well-being and personal growth. Or it was the love language your parents spoke to you at a young age; therefore, it’s expected.

Learning to accept compliments and encouragement from others without downplaying yourself is important. Saying things like “Who, me?” or “Thank you, but…” is unnecessary. Consider that there are traits people see in you that you cannot see in yourself, and your self-perception can be skewed by past trauma. Instead of automatic doubt, self-reflect: What is it about me that they see?

For those of us who are unfamiliar with this, it can feel uncomfortable to receive—maybe we fear being seen, don’t trust other people’s judgment as truth, or simply don’t believe we deserve it. This is where our self-talk comes into play.

Even better than receiving affirmations from others is learning to affirm yourself.

Something I taught myself was to take every negative thing I was told and flip it—those became my daily affirmations. Instead of allowing a negative thought to linger, I counteract it with constructive words. Doing this helped me differentiate my inner voice from the voices of my past, so that when others affirm me, it actually rings true.

Quality Time

Spend quality time around those you love and those who love you in return. There’s nothing more fulfilling than being with people who uplift your spirits and bring out the best in you—assuming quality time is your thing. To be honest, I don’t believe any relationship can thrive without some form of quality time.

Chapman touches on this particular love language having different dialects: quality conversation and quality activities.

Giving undivided attention during conversation and asking questions with a genuine desire to understand thoughts, feelings, and desires creates room for intimacy. This builds trust, support, and shared experiences. Doing activities you enjoy wholeheartedly—or at least being willing to—communicates intentional love. Not just finding time, but making time. Not just being in close proximity with someone, but truly being together. These make all the difference in how you feel about yourself.

In the same way we build intimacy with others, we need to do the same with ourselves.

How can you know yourself if you don’t spend time getting to know you?

What are your likes? Dislikes? Favorite activities?

You must learn to go inward and reveal yourself. Dr. Chapman says: “Self-revelation does not come easy for some of us. Many adults grew up in homes where the expression of thoughts and feelings was not encouraged but condemned. By the time we reach adulthood, many of us have learned to deny their feelings. We are no longer in touch with our emotional needs.” Instead, we look to others to fill in the gaps—to satisfy those needs.

Don’t be afraid to take walks by yourself. Go to the movies. Go to your favorite brunch spot and get a table for one. Many people might find this weird, but who cares? Though building bonds is essential to human survival, never be afraid of falling in love with your alone time—there will come a time when you wish you had that moment to yourself.

Receiving Gifts

A gift allows you to hold something and think, “They were considering me!” or “They kept me in mind.” You need to be thinking of someone to give them a gift. It's not enough to simply think about it; it’s about the act of obtaining the gift and presenting it as a demonstration of your affection. The gift then serves as a representation of that thought—a token of love.

The beauty of gifts? It’s not about the money; they can be purchased, found, or made. Your best friend, at the beach, picks up a unique seashell because she knows you collect them. Or she stops by Starbucks on her way to you, buying your favorite caramel latte with whipped cream. And for the friend who can’t afford it? No problem—she uses her culinary skills and home blender to make one.

Love doesn’t wait for a special occasion either.

To receive is a gift in and of itself. When you simply accept it, you communicate, “I receive your love.”

Some people have no problem accepting gifts because it’s their primary love language, while others struggle. Perhaps you can feel undeserving, or, as a practical spender, understand the importance of saving and investing—keep in mind that you are still spending.

Being spoiled from time to time isn’t a crime—whether it’s by someone else or yourself. After all, you deserve it, right? Learn to accept gifts from loved ones without feeling obligated to return the favor. More importantly, learn to give and accept gifts from yourself without guilt. You are communicating, “I am thinking of me, I love me, and I will invest in my emotional love tank.”

The greatest thing about receiving a gift from yourself is that you already know what you like. What matters most is that you thought of you and deemed yourself worthy enough to invest in your own happiness.

Acts of Service

Dr. Chapman says, “Acts of service requires thought, planning, time, effort, and energy. If done with a positive spirit, they are indeed expressions of love.”

Similar to receiving gifts, when your loved one chooses to love you through acts of service, it's best to learn to simply receive. The truth is, not everyone performs acts of service as an expression of love; some do so out of obligation, fear, guilt, resentment, or to feel good themselves. It's up to you to discern their intent. However, if you believe their motives are pure, allow others to do for you without guilt or score-keeping, especially if it makes your life easier. When you do this, you communicate, “I appreciate mutual effort and I deserve reciprocity in relationships.”

Sometimes we underestimate how acts of self-care contribute to our self-esteem. Small daily routines, like making your bed or tidying up, or spring cleaning, are quiet ways to honor yourself.Performing these acts of service—not from obligation, but with genuine care—shows self-love.

Never force yourself to do things when you are depleted; this will only lead to burnout. Instead, give yourself grace and wait until your heart is in the right place, even if that means taking time to rest—that is the greatest act of service. When you nurture yourself through intentional acts, it becomes natural to welcome love from others.

Physical Touch

Although sex is a very important aspect of physical touch, it is described as only one dialect in this particular love language. I wanted to look at it from another angle.

According to The 5 Love Languages, research shows that all societies have some form of physical touching as a means of social greeting, such as shaking hands, which communicates openness and social closeness. It also mentions that babies who are held, hugged, and kissed develop healthier emotional lives than those left for long periods without physical contact, demonstrating how powerful and essential physical touch is for expressing love and respect.

To reject that is to deny yourself the love you need for human survival. We are created to develop connections with others, and it doesn't make sense to go against our nature and deprive ourselves of physical embrace.

Trust your loved ones enough to allow them to embrace you. Accept the hugs and kisses, even if affection isn't your usual thing—make it your thing. Especially if you didn’t grow up in a “touching family,” and especially in times of crisis. During hard times is when we need to feel loved the most, even when we don’t realize it. It doesn’t have to be grand gestures—just sitting close to each other on the couch while watching your favorite show, a brief hug or kiss, leaning on shoulders, play fighting—you know, the little things.

When it comes to applying this to yourself, I know the first thing that likely comes to mind—this is not that.

I believe it’s okay to give yourself a hug or that gentle pat on the back. Physical touch with self doesn’t need to be complicated—tender moments, like a warm bath or gentle self-hug, reconnect you with your body and emotions. These small acts reconnect you to yourself and remind you that your body, too, deserves nurture.

Discovering Your Primary Love Language

Take the time to really evaluate your love language.

Dr. Chapman makes a valid point: it’s rare to find someone who speaks the same love languages as us, given the diverse lives and experiences that shape our emotional needs. Because of this, we sometimes expect others to perfectly understand our desires and fulfill them. It’s essential to know our primary love languages for ourselves. While we can communicate our needs, we must remember that others are human, whose behaviors can fluctuate based on emotions. Understanding what makes you feel loved—and why—empowers you to care for yourself, even when others fall short.

Almost everything written about love points to one truth: at its heart, love is about giving. All five love languages challenge us to give to others, but I urge you to give yourself what you need first—and then receive it from others. When we nurture ourselves first, we unlock the ability to fully give and receive love in every aspect of life.

Th Parent TrapIt’s nt good that man be alone”